..he said its impossible...but I know it's possible.

"You love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself
I just can't believe that You, would have anything to do
With someone so insecure, someone so immature...."

One of my, all-time favorite songs. Lauryn Hill hit the nail on the head with this one. For years I thought she was talking about two men, then as I listened more carefully I thought it was about a man and God, then as my faith grew even more I realized she was singing about the struggles of living a God-centered life in a satan-centered world -- articulating every insecurity I didn't even know existed in me. WOW. God is working -- and I feel Him smiling on me as I grow a more intimate relationship with Him. I'm speaking more about Him, relating everything I think to the doctrines of The Word. It's amazing. I feel like I'm blooming. 

Since Valentine's day I've been buying myself flowers. Not to pretend that a man is buying them for me (which is the CORNIEST thing I have ever witnessed a woman do, and that reasoning is pretty pathetic), but to battle the desire and symbolize my blooming in this new season. I wake up and I see these blooming flowers and it makes me want to be more open and accepting of the blessings to come. The only way I can truly be more open and accepting is to embrace the WAIT. This weekend, Cassie hazed me into helping her do make-up for a wedding -- she was running late so needed an extra hand making the bridal party beautiful for this auspicious occasion. I reluctantly agreed, but after it all, a part of me was happy I got to experience the love in the room. Not just the amorous love, but the PURE, God-centered love. God was in the presence of the company and that made me more excited to wait for what's mine. I love Tommy -- but I don't love him, like that! Partially because he hasn't really totally reciprocated the love I gave -- or, in his defense -- the kind of love I want. After being in the presence of that kind of love this weekend, I realized there's really levels to this ish -- why rush something that may not even have the God-stamp to be allowed to even bloom. 

I've been thinking heavily on Eve's Curse (Genesis 3:16) as well. If I, like Eve, have been cursed with the desire for my husband (who doesn't even exist yet and will always have control over me), shouldn't I be clinging to the CURSER to either lift the curse or give me a lighter sentence displayed in the caliber of man (man of my wildest dreams) -- since this desire won't go away. That has been my thought process and it is probably 90% of the reason I'm so excited for God's promises. 

I think I got my first real test on my decision to focus on God and not date for 2014. I was minding my own business; isn't that how all the stories start -- and this fine-chocolate-man-football-player-build situation beckons for my attention as he finished up drying off his Benz (not so crafty, satan). So he walks over to me and asks for my number -- gets straight to the point because he said I looked like I was in a rush. I declined & instead of sharing why I declined I just said "I'm not accepting numbers at this moment." He then asked if I was sure, and I grinned and said yes and walked away. That immediately made me think of Matthew 6:16 "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full." I'm pretty sure all the rest of the tests this year and beyond won't be so "easy" -- but as long as I keep my eyes focused on God -- satan is irrelevant.

xx.