What's it Worth?

More time spent away from blogging...but I'm back! AGAIN! Lol..Within these past few months, I've learned so much about myself --
1. That I suck at keeping up with writing down my thoughts..
2. Writing allows me to express suppressed issues...
3. Whatever [or whoever] is keeping me from writing knows the capabilities God has for me.

So a little back story..



*Just went through a "terrible", fake-me-out,  half-real, half-fake "break up"...with a man who I've been half-dating for 2 years. (yes...dramatic I know) -- Let's call him...Tommy.


* November was a emotionally tumultuous time; I saw the reality of my fake/real relationship with Tommy and how I actually viewed myself, which was less than everyone thought of me. The beginning of trying to understand self-worth and the beginning of trying to gain better self-image -- deep...I know.

* I met an awesome man; let's call him Romell, who READ me like a book within the first few weeks of courtship -- who I 100% acknowledge as one of the driving forces for me to realize what I was accepting in my relationship with Tommy was less than my worth, and a man who; regardless of the then-current love triangle situation, wanted to give me nuggets to realize what I wanted with Tommy was never going to be an option if I continued to be a doormat..even if he & I didn't work out..WHAT?! Autonomous relationship & life advice?! THAT'S CRAY!!!!!!!!

ONE HUGE ISSUE. We weren't evenly (spiritually) yolked. 

What's so funny about this situation to me is I know God sent ol' Melly-Mel to teach and test me. First off, I didn't even know I had self-worth issues. In one of my deepest conversations with Romell, he asked me what I look for in a man. I started rattling off the generics: Faithful, Honest, Trustworthy (all the stuff I felt I wasn't getting in the amount I desired)..then he threw a wrench in the game & asked.."What do you bring to the table?" Immediately I shut down; then the stuttering. It's not a hard question, but the fact that I couldn't even rattle off (and brag) about how great I actually am spoke volumes to both of us, as we sat there one early Saturday morning. Our conversations from then on began to unveil something that has been with me, my mother, and my grandmother -- a generational curse of low self-worth. How can I be so amazing in the eyes of everyone, and not even recognize this same "amazingness" myself. We are always our own worst enemies but to not be clear about what you're worth is a problem. That was the lesson -- identify the issue then SHAKE THIS CURSE. Don't take it into another relationship, allowing for things that are not of your caliber. Not in an arrogant way but in an price/product-matching sort of way. You never pay more for items you don't think are worth it.. & I refuse to sell myself short for someone who doesn't match.

The test came full circle. The biggest part of me walking down this "growing my self-worth" journey was realizing who I am in Christ & most importantly who I am as a child of God. God loves me...wants the best for me, and has made provisions because I am favored in all areas of my life -- I'm His "favorite". So if my God Standard is this high...why wouldn't God create a partner FOR me? Romell believes in God, but he doesn't believe in Jesus. He did..but he did some research and doesn't anymore. I respect his beliefs, but I know as a Christian that was a set up for destruction down the line -- especially in the realm of sexual purity; something I'm striving to continue. Romell was against it; celibacy was something he did in the past and now is not interested in continuing for the future. These things (Loving God & striving to follow God's rules, Being a follower of Christ, and trying to be sex free) are a part of my worth and growing my worth. TALK ABOUT A POP QUIZ! Would I let my new-found issue with self-worth continue, because of my desire to be in a relationship? I passed. Romell & I decided we weren't equipped for the work this relationship would entail and we went our separate ways. I'm grateful for God sending him to teach, tempt & test me...he was a "stone of remembrance" in growing closer to God.

I'm going to try to do a lot better with sharing my musings. Poems...little tidbits...FB statuses...especially to look back and see how far I've come...